A Beautiful Mess

2011-05-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

You might have noticed I've been away for a long period of time.
I can't explain myself but...
Lately I feel like sinking the whole time. There's nothing that fills me and so I have stoped doing the things that used to make me feel happy. Instead I find myself really bussy feeling miserable.
So, I hope you understand, I don't have strenght to blog.
I am sorry.
I can't breath, you see.

Inspiration.

2011-01-31T07:06:00.000-08:00

For the first time I am going to post here pictures that I do not own.

The thing is that I’ve been treasuring of lovely stuff in my weheartit
account(you’ve got the link in the side-bar in case you’re interested) and I
thought I could share them with you.

Moreover my mood hasn’t change since my last post and it is much more easy to
pretend things are going ok when you don’t think much about your own feelings.

And for me it takes some thinking before I can actually take a photo,
so I am using this post as a break.

I am taking a break from thinking, from feeling lost and
meaningless.

I am taking a break from feeling in general.

I hope you understand.

Starving.

2011-01-22T06:02:00.000-08:00

Feeling that I am the only one giving in here. Feeling lost and ethereal:
is this real or just a dream?

I wake up with a smile on my face and go back to bed trying to retain my tears. And the cycle never ends. Nights are dark and painful but at least I know they are true.

Mornings are unreliable.

At this point I am only sure of one thing:

I am starving.

New Year.

2011-01-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas and Happy new year to everyone.

Holiday is almost over and I feel like I haven't take advantage of all the free
time I've had. The story of my life. Tons of plans and dreams that never come true.

Too many things that I want to do in 2011, too many things that will remain
undone.

Going back to the states, visit four new countries in Europe, fall in love, make
a true friend, create something worth it, feel completely happy, go to tons of
concerts ad exhibitions... believe in myself.

I'll let you know if I achieve any of those.

Love.

Happy.

2010-12-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming closer and I can feel everyone excitement floating in the
air. It’s not only about the presents, the holiday, the snow, the lights… It’s
about illusion. A new year begins and we all hope that it’ll bring us happiness
or luck. We believe that we are able to change and do things right this
time.

Well, this year I think I can (and probably so do you). But it’s not 2011
what is going to make the changes, it’s us. I’ve got some pieces of advice I
think you might find useful. And please, if you have any other recipe to find
happiness, don’t hesitate and put it in your comment.

Guidance.
Smile. It’s amazing how a smile can determine the opinion a person has about you.I know it’s simple but you won’t discover how huge its effects are until you try it.
Happiness is inside you. The things you do or stop doing (a hobby, an attitude) are the ones who can make you feel better.
Try your best to look pretty every day. Even though it take s a little bit longer every morning, it will give you energy and make you feel better during the whole day.Those who make you sad are no good enough for you. Seriously.

I know they all are pretty obvious and that I’m not telling you anything
new. I myself had heard those thousand of times before I actually started doing
them. Nevertheless when you actually start doing all this stuff you realise how
true they all are. They work. I promise.

Whenever you look up at the stars and wish things were
different... Pay more atention to the stars, realize how wonderful they are, and
feel glad that you're able to see them.

Drawing.

2010-11-27T09:06:00.000-08:00

EDIT: Seems like the "g" on my key board isn't working properly, because I wrote
"blospot" instead of blogspot twice. I'm too bussy to change it right now :)

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating lately. The truth is that with all the
exams and homework that we're having this year I hardly have time to sleep, eat
or even breath... But, you see, since I'm studying arts some of my homework can
be post in here too. I hope you like them. You'll see some othrs becauseI have
to hand in to the teacher 20/30 of them on Tuesday.

I'll be back as soon as exams are over. I've got tons of ideas for the blog,
just wait and see :)

Sinking.

2010-10-31T12:14:00.000-07:00

He didn’t even look at her. She was sinking in the floor
that had already been softened by her own tears. And she delighted herself with
the warm her own pain provided her, extending the feeling from her chest to the
rest of her body; until she had covered it all.

Suddenly it began to rain and everyone ran to hide
underneath the trees. She didn’t move. In a daydream she imagined the way he
rescued her and protected her from the rain with a hug. She could even taste
happiness before opening up her eyes.

But then she realised she was all alone. She was wet and sinking even
faster than before. She didn’t care.

If no one cares enough to come and save me… Why should
I?

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. I actually wrote it in
Spanish and the text had such a complicated words, so it's been pretty hard to
translate it all.
Anyway, as you see things weren't going very well... But now
they are. I feel comfortable and strong, but i liked the text, so I wanted to
share it with you.
If you're feeling like that right now. Don't worry, it won't
last forever.
I promise.

Old, Magic.

2010-09-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Did you miss me? this time I didn't take me as much as usually to post something
new. I'm really trying to get used to the rutine again :)

I wanted to share with you all some pictures I took in Paris.

Paris? Yes. When I was comming back from California our plane
had a delay, so we had to spend a whole day en Paris before being able to get to
Madrid. I hadn't been able to sleep at all uring the 11 h. flight plus the 5 h.
trip to te airport plus the 3 h. waiting, I was horribly tired, but I was in
Paris!

As soon as I arrived the Hotel I fell sleep for something like
20 minutes. Fourtunately a friend woke me up:

- Isa! Isa! Are you comming out?

I couldn't see her face clearly, my eyes didn't open. But of
course I was.

I've been writing so much this past days. Working in my novel, the one I already
told you about. I think it's because of the talk I had with a friend a few days
ago. We talked about characters and how amazing it is that someone is able to
create a person in your head. That person, we think, is the product of someone
else's mind but, even thoug, he or she is able become your friend, is
able to make you feel that you know him/her...

...Characters make me feel better whenever I'm alone.

So I guess that' why I don't really feel like writing anything that is not my
novel. I hope you all understand :)But I can tell you, I loved Paris, you should
really g and visit. I will.

It's great being able to share all this kind of things with you. Thank you so
much for visiting.

The lost game.

2010-08-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

As a tradition in my family we always spend the summer everywhere but home. This is the first whole week I’m spending in my home town since July 21st. During this two months I’ve been to six different cities (three of them within Spain) and, even though I hadn’t have time to post anything new, I’ve been pretty inspired.

I’ve been writing about a girl that was lost. She should had been happy. She had everything she needed, she was about to start living her dream… But she was scared. Something inside was telling her.

- You’re not good enough.
She could handle not being good in making new friends, not being good at maths, not being pretty, smart or trendy. But she needed to be good in expressing herself. She needed to know that she had what was necessary to become an artist.
And she was scared of finding out that she didn’t.

I’ve been also writing about a game. A game in which we all pretend to be strong. We pretend that we can’t feel anything at all. That our heart is pure ice. And by pretending we also get lost. Not only we don’t know what the others are feeling, but we also forget what we felt before pretending.

Thank you so much for your comments :)

Beautiful eyes

2010-06-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

Once again I have to apologize for having been away for such a long time. I’m so sorry.

I feel like you all deserve an explanation but if you are not interested in reading this boring stuff about my life I perfectly understand it. You can miss the next paragraph.

The thing is that I’ve been doing lots and lots of exams and also thinking about the next year. You don’t need to know how the education system works here to understand this: I want to study arts and to do that I needed to talk to a lot of teachers so that they change me to another class. I’ve also been busy because I’ve been planning my trip to California so, you see: Lots of things to do in a short period of time.

Back again to interesting things. I’ve started to write some poetry the last month. The thing is that it’s all in Spanish. I’m trying to translate it so that you know what is it about, but the rhythm and the rime will be horrible, right? Sorry about that.

Porque me hipnotizas [Because you hypnotize me]

y haces que flote, [and make me flote]

que toque las nubes, [make me touch the clouds]

que pierda el norte. [and feel disoriented]

Y que allí en lo alto [ And there, up high]

te eche de menos [you make me miss you]

y quiera volver [and wanna come back]

del cielo al suelo. [form the sky to the ground]

I hope it makes sense in English, I promise it does in Spanish.
I’m taking my camera to California so, if I’m lucky and I have any computer near, you’ll see, at least, another post in july.
Thank you for following and commenting. You are the best.
By the way, I don’t forget about the give-away. I’ll make it as soon as I have time.

Trying to figure out what is and isn't true

2010-05-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

So, i've got some new treasures that I wanted to show you.

My grandmother gave me the rose and, a few days later (on my birthday) I received the other flower from my mother.

A good friend thought that I would love those old keys that she had. She was completely right :)

Olivia (a pen friend) sent me the mirror neck-lace in her last letter, wich you can also see in the third picture.

I bought the rings and the clothes you see underneath my treasures last week.

I know this picture doesn't go with the rest very well, but I love the colours

I had an idea for my give-away but since I need a little bit of time I'll be giving it as soon as I have 1000 views wich will also be a reason for celebration.

Have a great week-end and enjoy the beginning of the summer (thoug it's still spring)

Ladybug.

2010-05-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

The ladybug stared at the flowers. Soft and dreamy colours everywhere. Spring was unbearable beautiful. She looked at herself and found the same boring black spots. The wind blew bringing with it the most delicious smell ever.
The ladybug looked for something that made her feel better. She found a beetle. She was more beautiful than the beetle. She smiled.

- Hello.
- Hello, dear.- Said her new friend.
- What are you doing here?.- The ladybug asked.
- I’m enjoying the splendours of spring. We only get to see this once a year and It would be stupid not to enjoy it. Don’t you think?
The ladybug nodded and went away after whispering a quiet “goodbye”.The beetle was not beautiful, but he was wise. He also made her feel inferior.

I took this photos in my home town, Majadahonda (near Madrid) with a friend in a windy and sunny day. Spring is lovely, but I can't wait for Summer to come :)

I don't have any really good idea yet for my give-away (even though I have some quiet good ones) so, please, wathever it comes to your mind, just say it. I would love to hear moe suggestions :)

Oh, and I've added a music player in the "side bar" with a Don Mclean Song called Empty Chairs (just in case you like it and you want to look fot ir). You will have to click on the play button if you want to listen to it. I dont want to force you to listen to the music that I like. That would be silly.

Thank you for your sweet comments and thank you to my new followers.

You always make my day.

Don't think he's talking to you. He's just one the TV

2010-05-01T05:17:00.000-07:00

The 9th November I opened this blog and started posting. I know that half year is not such a big period of time, but I would like to kind of celebrate it. I’ve been thinking of making a give-away the 9th May, but, honestly… I don’t know what could I offer.
So I would love to hear any suggestions or ideas you have. Can you think of something special that I could give-away? Tell me everything that comes to your mind, I don’t care. The bigger number of ideas I have the better.
Also, If you can think of any other way to “celebrate” this half year, please, please, please tell me.
:)

And after asking you for this little favour, I’ve got something to show you. I’ve been working on this collages for a few days and I really like them. What do you think?

Chasing white

Detail

Dreamy Nostalgia

Detail

Nonchalance can be funny

You didn't know me.

2010-04-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

(Nauplia, Greece)

Well, here I am.

I've been thinking for such a long time what to write today. And I guess I'm empty.

I don't think that's a bad thing, though it isn't a good one neither.

Enjoy my silence :)

Dream, Bitte. Sueña.

2010-04-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt this kind of happiness that blows up your breast and make you cry a little bit. Ad why was it?

Because of a concert.
The fact is that saying that I’m fan of Tokio Hotel shouldn’t make me feel ashamed. But it does. Why? Because when you think about a Tokio Hotel fan you imagine this kind of hysteric girl who desperately wants the singer to fall in love with her. Well, I’m not like that. If I feel happy is because I was by their side five years ago when nobody knew them and I could’t even imagine going to a concert.
Feeling how big they are right now just make me feel so proud I can’t help feeling incredibly happy.
If are still looking at the screen with this superiority
face I know perfectly well… I think there’s nothing I can do to make you understand. I wish you all feel the same way I did yesterday as many times as possible. This is why living is worth it.

Here you’ve got my last photos from my Easter holiday.

I love you all.

Day and Night

2010-03-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

Writing letters made me think.

How many things that people around me don’t know do I tell to estrangers? Why does it seem easier that way?

Is it because I don’t really care what they think about me? Am I so coward?

This, for example, couldn’t be told anywhere but here:
There’s a thief in my family.

The feeling of suspicion is everywhere in the house. I wish I was talking metaphorically.

But I’m not. Someone in the house is stilling things.

And now we are all trying to prove that we are not the guilty ones.

But we don’t even want to find out who is it.

What about if your mother stole you money?

Yes, you would have the money back but… How could you ever trust her again.

I prefer loosing 1000€ than a relative’s confidence.

Unfortunately curiosity will push us to keep looking until we find out who the thief is.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why I tell things to estrangers. We don’t really have any confidence.

You can’t betray me.

For five dolars the flower is free

2010-03-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

I think it was before christmas when I started to get letters from Olivia, form the blog
the bird and frue ♥ I found it so magical and inspiring.

So the thing is; since receiving letters it’s so exciting for me…

Why shouldn’t I do it with someone else?

If you are interested in building a friend-ship via post just send me an e-mail to: isa_song@hotmail.com with your address and I’ll write you as soon as I can.

No matter where you live as long as you are able to speak English or Spanish.

EDIT: I already have more than enough penpals (L) so don't send me more adresses because I'm affraid I won't have time to write to anyone else. Thank you for that much interest :)

Better :)

2010-03-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

First of all: I’m so sorry I haven’t been updating for so long. I did miss “blog-world” seriously, but…
Well, for my last post you might have guessed that things weren’t going as well as I needed them to. And if we add the huge quantity of exams I’ve had… I hope you all understand it :)

Anyway, those days are gone. And I’m trying my best to find happiness every where I look.

Redecorating my bedroom has been such a good therapy.

I really recommend it to those of you who need an extra reason to wake up every morning.

In the beach everything seemed to be different.

The grey colour that her life had during the winter had gone and left her.

The sun shined, always above her, making light colours turn into white and skins, on the other hand, becoming darker.

In the Island it was windy the whole day but it didn’t annoy her. Since she cut her long hair she found it wonderful.

She could feel soft caresses on her face and her light dress trying to escape to the sea.

Melissa went out to the balcony. More Sun. Hot, it nearly burned, but she didn’t feel pain.

Her bare feet could feel the warm floor and her tongue licked her lips looking from some salt.

She had been swimming that morning and she could still feel the flavour of the sea.

Suddenly she decided she had to go outside.

That day she had discovered the white of the sun and the blue of the sea.

She wanted to know other colours. She wanted to be sure she had left the grey back.

I missed you all oh so much :)

Random

2010-02-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

How do I manage to wake up every day? How do I manage to smile?

How do i manage to look you in the eyes and tell you that I'm fine?

You said I’m the only one. But that’s not good at all. Everyone needs a couple.

Words cannot make me feel better. They don’t mean anything.

I'm tired of beeing alone. I'm tired of being the one.

How do I manage to don't fall sleep?

Was it you who spoke the words that...

2010-01-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

…Things would happen but not to me?
I guess you were right.

Haven’t you ever thought ‘This Monday I’ll tidy up my room’ ‘This year I’m going to change’ ‘Tomorrow I’ll talk to him’?
And have you ever done some of those?Because I don’t think I have. Why should things happen to me? I’m only waiting, freezing and paralysed while watching the way life slips through my fingers. Maybe today could be a good day to say ‘On Monday I’ll stop waiting and start moving’ But why should I believe myself? I’m always lying.

A grey day. Rachel was staring under the rain with no umbrella, no coat, no tears. Only hope. In the middle of the road staring at the horizon. Her hair, her lips, her skin, her heart… Everything was wet and cold. But someone was going to appear from the horizon. And water and cold would run away and wouldn’t come back never again. She was shivering, she couldn’t feel her feet anymore.

Night came and so did the moon. The horizon was still empty. Rachel went walking slowly to her warm house. She wasn’t wet. She had an umbrella, she had coat, she had tears. She felt her feet again. She felt her heart. Cold and wet.

Would that be for ever?

This is snow. This is me.

2010-01-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

Jessica Aléna from The book travelers diary has pass me a kind of award and it’s also my first time so… what can I say? Thank you so much, you are the sweetest J
So I’m supposed to write 7 things about myself and then pass it on to 7 people… But I don’t feel like doing that much. So I’m just going to write four things about myself and pass it to 4 people.
Let’s do it then:

1. I love reading and writing. The thing that frustrate me the most is to don’t have time enough to do both of this things. Give me that much homework that I can’t read what I want and you make me feel totally depressed.

2. I love perfumes. I’ve got an small collection of 7 and, even though I want it to grow, I’m going to wait until next Christmas to be faithful to my tradition.

3. Sometimes I feel terribly alone. When I think about my broken family or my friends… Nothing seems enough. Fortunately it all pass by sooner or later.

4. Even though I love photography, and writing, and painting and so on… Sometimes I’d like to forget about it all. Why? Because it scares me so much. What if I try me best to achieve my dream of becoming an artist and I fail? What if I’m not good enough? What if inspiration runs away? I wish I could love mats or something like that. My future would me much more reliable.

I pass it to:

1. Hazel from ♠ Piccadilly Cigarettes ♠

2. Christina from Where the wild roses grow...

3. Lizard form Dead Lizards Tell No Lies

4. Krissie fromThe Owl Diary

Hope you enjoy the picturesof my reflex :)

Special Dreams.

2010-01-04T03:32:00.000-08:00

Did you miss me? I did miss the blog. Maybe you didn’t notice but since new year’s eve I’ve been ill with an stomach virus. Not very nice.

Anyway, even though I still can only eat rice and so on I’m back with the first post of the year. But this post is not only special because it’s the first of the year, it’s also the last one I’ll make in a long period of time with my compact camera. (The 6th I’ll have my reflex :))

Tonight I had lots of dreams that I’m able to remember.

Maybe because I felt ill and I didn’t sleep as relaxed as I should. I don’t know.

I dreamt with lots and lots of shoes but none of them fixed my feet.

I dreamt with a mobile phone ringing and nobody listening. I dreamt with such an easy exam that I failed.

And I also went back to my childhood.
To nights in a friend’s house. To huge glasses of milk that I couldn’t drink because I used to hate it. To afternoons in the country side with my family, his family, and him.
It all ended up a year ago and it’s suppose to start again sooner or later. I don’t think so but… Who knows?
Will he drink milk again while I watch him doing it? Will we go again to the country side?
Will we be able to consider each other friends?
Who knows?

<3

Lovely Christmas.

2009-12-30T07:15:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I was barely awake when I heard my mum calling my name from the door.

I had a package coming form Australia waiting for me. A lovely present from “meandering pearl” blog.

I thought I was only going to get a journal but I also got the sweetest teddy bear ever and a cute necklace.

Actually it was the bear who was wearing te necklace but lately (as you might have guessed for my older posts)

I enjoy so much wearing a different one per day so he's not wearing it anymore. Now it's mine :)

I fell in love with all my presents almost immediately and that’s why I recommend you to visit her blog and get one.

This kind of presents are the one that, for me, make Christmas worth it.

Matt. May of 2009. Chicago. 27 years old.

As I arrived to my flat I took off my shoes and went directly to the kitchen to have my habituated black coffee. I heard some high-heels steps behind me and I did not turn back. Only one person in the whole city had my keys and could be waiting there for me. It was another noise the one who made me turn around: Her keys falling to the table.

- ¿Are you going anywhere?

Her eyes were red, she had been crying. A huge bag waited for her at her feet and I notice where that keys were form. From my flat.

- I’ve met someone.

Right, her eyes were red and wet and mines completely dry. But she seemed so calm and serene and I felt something breaking inside me. I didn’t want so ask anything. The sooner she left the sooner I could be alone.

- Do you have all you need?

- Yes, I’ll see you at the office. Mattie.

She went out through the door carrying her tears, her huge bag and that unknown man called Mattie. I stared the keys for a moment. Then looked for the whiskey. It has still there. Me the keys and the whiskey.

Polaroids.

2009-12-24T07:42:00.000-08:00

She had lots of lists. A list for each aspect of her life.
What to do on a rainy weekend.
Favourite perfumes.
Cds to listen when looking for inspiration.
What to ask for next Christmas (not only in winter but also in summer or even spring).
And she also had a list of goodbyes. Not very useful but she had it.

"Three kinds of goodbyes"

The goodbye you say when you know you’ll see that person again.
The goodbye you say when you know you won’t see that person again.
The goodbye you say when you know you won’t see that person again but you don’t want to believe it.

That one is the hardest one. She had been pretending to keep in touch with her best friend for two years. But it wasn’t true. She could feel the way they were further and further from each other and she couldn’t stop it.

And that day other friends were living. And she was tired. She didn’t want to pretend anymore and that’s why she said the second goodbye.

- We will never ever see each other again. I will miss you. Don’t leave.

But they did leave and she started a new list.

“Reasons why I shouldn’t have friends”

They are difficult to find.
They make me go out even though I don’t want to.

They always leave.

PS: Those pictures are all mine. I found a program that converts your digital pictures in polaroids ones so maybe from now on I will also post some polaroids, as I'm in love with them.

Merry Chirstmas to everyone!

A walk.

2009-12-20T05:01:00.000-08:00

Today I went out just for a walk (something that I hardly ever do) and even though the cold and the wind I enjoyed it enormously.

You should come with me one day.

Down the stairs where you can feel how cold starts to invade your body.
The light of the street coming from the door.

And you’re outside.

You walk quickly not because you’re in a hurry but because you need to keep your self warm.

Sometimes you stop and take a picture. People around look at you like if you were crazy.

¿Why is she taking a picture of a tree?

A boy opens his window to see what you’re doing.

¿Why are you taking a picture of my old bike? You smile at him and keep walking.

If you stay there you’ll get cold again.

Do you remember my Christmas wish list?

It was one of my first posts… Anyway, I said I wanted an invisible friend, and yesterday my wish became reality.

That’s what she gave me:

Isint’ it lovely? It reminded me a song that I love. Two birds, from Regina Spektor.

Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away and the other

watches him close from that wire.

He says he wants to as well

but he is a liar .

Some old books.

2009-12-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

I’ve only written 8 pages of my new story because finding time to do it is harder than I thought.

Nevertheless I’m quite fascinated by it. It combines eight characters that had been such a long time in my mind waiting for a story and now that I’ve got it, it surprise me how much I know each of them.

Like if we are were old friends.

Maybe that’s why I chose those pictures for my post.

Because they also seem old and fascinate me.

It’s obvious that I’m not writing it in English (I’d find it terribly hard) but I’m going to try to translate you small pieces. I hope you like it.

Isabelle. October 2010. Venice.

- But, you know? I’m not getting in trouble anymore.
We were walking to his home. He had his arm around my shoulders even though we both knew he could perfectly walk.
- Since we left I’ve been saving money so that I can pay what Paolo lent me.I didn’t believe him.- I was tired of thinking he would ever change. He wouldn’t. People don’t change.

Saffron. October 2010. London.

It was raining in London. One year before I would have been happy about that, but rain didn’t make me smile anymore.
I used to use my umbrella as a cane and get wet almost every single day. Josh used to carry a portable one in his pocket and always used it properly. In special days like Valentine’s or my birthday he didn’t open his umbrella and we used to get wet together.

I took mine and opened it before walking into the rain. My umbrella would never be a cane again. I missed it so badly.

I don't have time to translate nothing else. It's harder than it seems :)

Old Pictures.

2009-12-12T05:05:00.000-08:00

Here I am once again.

I'm sorry I haven't been unpdating for a while but, you know, exams and this kind of stuff kept me very busy this past week.

Any way, It all has end up and now I’d like to show you something:

I found this old album in my living room a few days ago and I fell in love with it. It's my mum's album and it has pictures from her childhood 'till now. Each page is a different year, a different part of her life but every single one is charming by it self.

Right now I'm starting a kind of novel. I know it won't have more than 50 pages because i won't finish it ( I never do it; I always come across with a better idea), but starting something new is always exciting and even more now that holiday is coming and I’ll have lots of free time.

What is it going to talk about? Well I don't really like novels related with magic, fantasy and so on... And neither murderer ones. Love? Not really. Life? Could be.

Let's say that I want it to be the story of eight people from different countries and ages that will find each other and feel kind of full and happy for a while.

I'll tell you whenever I finish it or stop writing it (if so, I'll also tell you what's my new and better idea). I'm not going to write anything today I want to start this new project as soon as possible :)

England ♥.

2009-12-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

Englad is not only such a nice country for me. It's not only the place where I spent my holiday.

England means much more.

It was the first place in wich I ever felt comfortable enough to be completely happy. It was the first place where I didn’t feel afraid, where I didn’t only smile and stay quite. And, since then, there have been only a few more places where I felt the same way.

But, can I write about it in here? I guess I can not (at least I shouldn’t) but sometimes you just need to throw away everything you’ve been keeping inside you for such a long time.

I'd really love to have the "england feeling" every time with me. Should I move away form here? That's the only way I can think about to end up with this anoying feeling. But I won’t. I’m too coward to do anything like that.

I hope you all like the pictures. They are form Petersfield and Tourquay and I took them one or two years ago (depending on the place). I wasn't interested at all about photography but I think they don't look too bad.

And I'm still here waiting in our old bench.

Don't you realize is here the place where you should come and meet me? Or is it that you are not interested any more? Don't you care? I guess you have more important things to do. Everyone does.

Everyone but me.

Because I'm still here waiting in our old bench.

<3

Playing with light.

2009-12-01T07:34:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I think I speak too much. Today I won't say anything.

Rachel.

2009-11-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

With the old scissors they had at home (Rachel didn’t know if they where there when they arrived or not) she cut her fringe without doubting. Someone was smiling at her from the other side of her old white mirror. She was kind of pretty so that should mean she had cut her fringe properly.
With the make up she had stolen to her mother she made the girl who was staring at her look even prettier. She smiled and her new friend did so.
- You look so beautiful. I wish I could be like you.
Her new friend didn’t answer. Couldn’t she speak? The girl’s face turned quiet sad. No, she couldn’t.
- I’m so sorry you can not speak. We could have been friends but I don’t want to have a friend who can’t talk to me.
She looked even sadder and Rachel tried to fix it.
- You are so pretty. I’m sure you’ll be able to find a good boyfriend. And he won’t mind that you can not speak.
The old new-friend started to smile. Then Rachel woke up and, when she turned around there was no one there.“She must be looking for a boyfriend” She thought. “I wish I could be that pretty.”

Flower Box.

2009-11-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy day today. But, as weather has changed my mood seems to has done it too. I'm more calm than sad and that's such a good thing if we consider all the exams I've got next week (which means I should be concentrated).

I found this flower two days ago in my bedroom. It's from the firts wedding I went too ( when I was five or someting). It's a pity that I were that young because I can say by the photos I've seen it was such a lovely wedding and I didn't enjoy it at all.

I'm afraid I'll have to wait such a long time until I can go to another wedding like that one. Maybe ten years.

I'd like to show you something: What you see bellow is my new inspiration box.

As you saw in an older post my bedroom used to be a mess with papers, scissors, magazines, ribbons and so on all over the floor. That’s the reason why I decided to use this beautiful box to keep every little piece of my creative work. Like that I’m free to start new projects and finish them whenever I want. You’ll see this box as soon as the stuff it contains change so that you can know what am I working at and get some inspiration by seeing it.

They both look at each other's face in silence. Then he starts to speak:

- I think you're scared. You're scared because you've always lived your life waiting for other people to tell you what to do. And I guess you do it because you think you are safer that way.
- That’s not true.
- Obviously it is. You were lying yourself thinking that you wanted to live your own life. That you wanted to do it on your own… But it wasn’t so.
- I want to live my own life.
- Then… Why didn’t you ever do anything? You just wait and claim: “Life is unfair with me.” But it is just the opposite. You, pulled down by your fear, scared of ever feeling something, you have never given life a choice to show you how wonderful it is to be alive.
>> One day you’ll look at your self and you’ll realise that you can’t change the way you just sit and watch life. You won’t be able to act, you won’t remember how to feel anything.

She looks at her feet and seems to be about to cry but finally tears doesn’t fall and she stares to Peter’s eyes while saying.

- Leave me alone.

- Ok, no problem. I think it’s already too late for you.

***

Have a nice day and thak you so much for the 1000 views <3

Winter Sun and "Sadness".

2009-11-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

I know that talking about weather is the biggest topic ever, but I do find awesome how sun keeps shinning here in Madrid even thoug we are at the end of November. I was trying to study in front of my history book and there was that much light comming from the window that I had to stop and take some pictures.

This fabric was cut form my mother's white dress (well, today is MY whiite dress) because it was to long for her. I still don't know what to do with it but taking pictures.

Last Saturday I bought theese scoks and shoes. Aren't they lovely? They both are from Blanco (which doesn't mean a lot for you if you are not from Spain :)) and suit perfectly together.
<3>

As I told you, here you have more pictures from my season with Hazel (you have the link to her blog in the post below this one). That's me wearing my old clothes and my mother's jewels. I felt like a kid: waiting for my mother to leave the house and then stealing her jewellery.

I've been kind of moody this week. I think you can notice it by reading the whole blog. That's the reason why I'm not going to write anything about how I feel today. Because it will be a "sad" text again and I don't want this to be a "sad" blog.

So I'll just tell you the story of a girl who wanted so badly to feel alive but she didn't know how.
Actually... No, I won't. That's also a "sad" story.

Be happy.
<3

Hole.

2009-11-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

This friday I spent the afternoon with my friend Hazel from Piccadilly Cigarettes (link at the end of the post) and we made tons of pics that you'll see also in the next post. I hope you all like them.

I found this old book in my bedroom and is written in spanish but all you should know is that is from the year 1865.

- Because sometimes you feel so alone you can’t stand it. You feel a huge black hole in your tummy that refuses to go and makes you want to scream. But there’s no reason for that hole to be there. There’s no logic at all in anything you’re feeling.

>> And that’s why you can’t tell anybody. Because anybody would ever understand you. You know that if you tried and you saw someone you call your friend looking at you and thinking “She’s definitely crazy” the hole would grow bigger and bigger. And finally it would be bigger than you and you wouldn’t exist at all.

- Have you realise that, right now, you’re telling it to me?

- Because you also have a hole. Actually I don’t know who is bigger. The hole or you?

Today I'm not really sure if the hole is or not bigger than me. I'll tell you as soon as I know it.

*****

http://piccadillycigarettes.blogspot.com/

Magical Breakfast.

2009-11-20T07:55:00.000-08:00

Two days ago something magical happened:

My mother, my brother and me had just finished our dinner and I was about to leave when my mother decided it has time to try again.

- You never tell us anything about Russia.- She said looking deeply at my brother's eyes.

- Well... yes...

- We'd like to hear something about your old life before comming here.

And then was when the magic started.

- Something like...? Like when our three rabbits died?.- He didn't wait for an answer.- We didn't have that much money and in our grove they only grew three carrots per week. Two of them died because we couldn't feed them and the other... The other also died a few days later.

As I was hearing this I was realizing that it was the first time ever he talks about it. I felt nothing, though. I didn't say a word, I dind't want to interrupt him.

-It's a pity that we couldn't have any hedgehog.- He carried on.- ¿Why not? Because each time you set one of them free they gave you a strawberry and we couldn't have strawberrys in our garden because of the cold.

I used to live in a very poor farm, without animals but with a grove. I used to life with my uncle because my parents lived too far away from my uncle's house. My dad was so good with me.

My brother' storys and the creativity you see up here is what has been going on this past days. Not too bad :)

Plans.

2009-11-17T07:01:00.000-08:00

As holiday is coming new ideas are doing it too. My bedroom is a total chaos: papers, magazines, pictures and so on are everywhere you look. I think that's something positive, but it makes harder to concentrate in things I must do.

- Do you want to know something?

- What am I supossed to answer?

The boy was trying hard not to fall form the top of the tree.

- You only have to say: what?

- Ok, let's start again, then.

The girl rolled her eyes but finaly said:

- Do you know what?

- What?

Sally was going to speak when she almost fell because of the wind. Jeremy pulled her by the hand and the wind stoped. She looked at him saying tank youwith her eyes.

- Nothing, never mind.

Things I'd like for christmas:

- A Polaroid camera.

- Blue and violet fabrics.

- Books.

- New curtains.

- To take pictures in "El Retiro"

- A new Sam Phillips.

- An invisible friend.

- A star.

- An almost white sky.

- To write in my notebook and don't feel pain in my fingers later on.

Put ribbons in your life. They'll make you happier.

Butterfly.

2009-11-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

She is playing out in the garden.

White dress, black hair.

She turns around quietly.

White dress, black hair.

She sees you watching her.

Her dress, her hair

She rolles her eyes, runs, and leaves you there.

I'm the hero over the sky, don't need to be safe.

I'm the hero over the sky, don't need to be free.

I'm the hero over the sky, don't need to be Ok.

Blue. Violet and White patterns. 500 days of summer. English. Polaroids. Sam Phillips. Flowers. Blogs. A house for Alice. Inspiration that doesn't leaves for weeks. Painful jokes. Almost black and white. Hospitals. Plans. Pearls. Changes. A key. A Beautiful Mess.

Week ends are longer that what I tought. Even though all this things have happend I still feel like if I were waisting time.

I can't do it better.

Messy stuff.

2009-11-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

- What's that key?

- Hmm, nothing important...

- You were it every day.

- Because I was waiting for you to ask about it.

And as I looked at the pearls, the gold, the silver, the parfums... I could guess she was so far away from me. That's why I dind't hesitate when I left te room. I'd swear I heard she running behind me. Who knows? I didn't turn back.

Here in Madrid today is a gray and cold day. Me feet are freezing as well as my hands. I'd love to go out and feel nothing but I'm affraid it wouldn't work.

Colourful.

2009-11-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

If you look there's always something you can find. Even when you are tired. Even when you are sad. Take the camera, make a picture, and you wont be able to stop for hours.

The problem comes when you have more "important" things to do. When an exam it's waiting for you to study it, or a friend wants you to listen his problems. And your notebook looks at you and screams: I'm here! The idea on your mind should be written!

But there's no time enough.

There's never time enough. But dont forget your camera or your notebook. Oderwise you will forget what beauty is and, believe me, it isn't worth it.

What's been inspirating me these past days:

A film: 500 days of summer.

A song: Taking Pictures from Sam Phillips

A book: La soledad de los números primos (Don't know the name in english, I'm sorry)

I should re-write what I've said in spanish, but I'm pretty bussy today, so sorry.

Welcome.

2009-11-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone.

As most of you know I'm Lazzenia, and this is my second blog. The first one was Muet Drama Show but my friend and me decided to close it and so came A Beautiful Mess.

If you don't know Muet Drama Show you must be wondering what am I going to talk about. Not even I know the answer.

I will show you everything I consider worth it:

A picture, a text, a song, a collage, a dress...

All those little things with nothing in common but beauty. And there you have the name: A Beautiful Mess. I hope you enjoy every single post. I do enjoy them.

Hola a todos.

Como la mayoría ya sabéis soy Lazzenia y este esmi segundo blog. El primero era Muet Drama Show pero mi compañera Hazel y yo decidimos cerrarlo y de ese modo llegó A Beautiful Mess.

Si no conoces Muet Drama Show te estarás preguntando de qué voy a hablaros. Ni siquiera yo sé la respuesta.

Os enseñaré todo aquello que crea que merece la pena:

Una foto, un texto, una canción, un collage, un vestido...

Todas estas pequeñas cosas que no tienen nada en común salvo la belleza. Y ahí tienes el nombre: A Beautiful Mess (Un Precioso Desorden). Espero que disfrutes todos y cada uno de los post. Yo lo hago.

Lazzenia

PS: If you've noticed that my english is not perfect that's because I'm Spanish. I promise I'll do it my best but you should know that I will have some mistakes.